The U.S. military remained frozen in standby mode across the Middle East as the Trump administration issued contradictory updates on its Iran campaign so rapidly that even its missiles seemed uncertain of their status. President Trump initially deployed 50,000 troops aboard carriers, destroyers, and warplanes under Operation Epic Fury with orders to “raze their missile industry to the ground.” Those forces are now mostly playing cards, doom-scrolling, and refreshing the president’s social media to determine whether they are still at war.

On Tuesday, Secretary of State Marco Rubio declared the operation “over.” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified it was about securing the Strait of Hormuz. Trump then posted that the mission was paused—unless Iran fails to “give what has been agreed,” in which case “the bombing starts.” The Navy maintained its blockade regardless and disabled an Iranian tanker the next day.

Military officials confirmed the troops have renamed the effort “Operation Epic Whatever.”

At press time, an Ohio Applebee’s reported its best month in years, thanks to dozens of sunburned men in desert camo who tipped exclusively in spent .50-cal shells.