WHITE PLAINS, N.Y.—A federal judge unsealed Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide note Wednesday, confirming that the financier’s final act was every bit as tedious as his life.

“They investigated me for months—FOUND NOTHING!!!” the note begins, before complaining that prior charges somehow still counted. “It is a treat to choose one’s time to say goodbye,” it adds. “What do you want me to do—bust out cryin’!!” It concludes with “NO FUN” underlined twice and “NOT WORTH IT!!” in the same petulant register as every email Epstein sent demanding more teenagers.

The document was discovered by his cellmate inside a graphic novel following the financier’s first unsuccessful hanging attempt. The Times has not authenticated it, though experts say the handwriting perfectly matches the voice of all his prior correspondence.

Legal observers called the note “consistent with a man who viewed losing Wi-Fi as cruel and unusual punishment.”

At press time, the ghost of a Florida elementary school teacher was quietly updating her résumé.